A 365 Day Journey

It has been a full year since my brother Verge left this earth. It was an eventful 365 days filled with a lot of tears, anger,  a bit of regret and somehow, quite ironically, laughter.

After Verge's funeral, standing beside his grave, our family was brought together

It was within this 365 days that I found the need to do a bit of soul searching and introspection. A need to come to terms with reality after the numbing, somewhat surreal blow of his loss.


It was touch and go for awhile...

Going 8 months pregnant with my last child, this photo was taken on the day my life had changed significantly. Not sure if things were going to be good or bad, he was my source of strength and support. He once told me that he felt as if he had failed me when he didn't come up for the birth of MAX. I never saw it as such, and I believe I told him so...

Old experiences were touched by memories of him. New ones brought on the longing of sharing with him what had just transpired. Old haunts were reminders of what was and what cannot be, while the dread of traveling out of Baguio, allowed me to relive over and over again, that awful five hour drive that I endured to see his mortal shell for the last time.  

At his wake - You know that line that people say when they peek into a person's casket? About them looking like they're just asleep? It's usual brought up in polite conversation. But I must say, Verge/Heaven looked as if he was just pulling a huge prank on us. He didn't look like he was asleep. he looked as if he was feigning sleep.

It was HARD to just simply exist. To just BE.

In that 365 days after my brother passed, the world continued to turn and time passed by. Giving no mind to the fact that I was chipped and cracked in places no craftsman or learned man of science could fix.

He's such a GREAT guy

We were all hurting. We still are...to a certain extent. Like a phantom limb that aches when an amputee wakes up, lessening over time, but never truly going away because the body it had been a part of remembers what it was like to be whole.

With Mamita and our favorite bunsos (youngest children)

I'd like to share with you our year long series of journeys. Being The Mediocre Wanderers that we are, it does not, in any way, resemble an Eat, Pray, Love kind of transformation; but still meaningful nonetheless.

The "Tito Heaven" Fan Club - my sons LOOOOVED their Uncle Verge almost as much as they loved me. And that's saying something about an Uncle who they only saw 2x or 3x a year

1. The Mom Journey - my children had just lost someone they truly looked up to. I couldn't even comprehend how to inspire them the way Verge's life had done to them. I just did what I knew I could do without a fancy title attached to my name. I SHOWED them and would repeatedly tell them that I LOVED them. Loving your kids may be a given, but sometimes, we're so caught up with the workings of the world that we assume that the people we care for KNOW that we feel that way about them.

I knew I was/still am loved by my brother because he has always been there for me. In our last conversation, before he was intubated, he told me over and over again, despite his lack of oxygen, that he loved me. In the end, it's ALL that matters.

Since he was born, Verge was my constant happy thought during the holidays

2. The Family Journey - Holidays were the pits, especially the ones where Verge would join us. Amidst the tears, our family made plans. Plans to travel more, gain new life experiences and enjoy our time together, in a different setting. Plans that we actually went through and loved every moment of. Before he died, I'd put off sharing these experiences with all the kids, thinking there will always be time. But life doesn't always work that way right?

Kate Havnevik summarized time and life in the lyrics of her song Unlike Me. While I agree with her that there are no guarantees in life, time DOES exist and there is no better time than the present.

We saw local sites - Palawan, Subic, theme parks and even something as commonplace as the village pool in a cousin's neighborhood.

laughter truly is the best medicine

We started to enjoy life's offerings and the glorious miracle that is laughter. Like honest to goodness laughter, AND not FEEL guilty about it afterwards.

JRR Tolkein once said "Not all who wander are lost". Verge too was a Mediocre Wanderer. That is, until he flew ahead to the ultimate destination

We admired the Philippines in away that Verge would be proud of, not hesitating to eat wood worms, scale great heights and meet new people.  That's how my brother lived. He was game for anything that he believed would enrich who he was as a person. And it really did.

Verge loved taking selfies before and after a meeting. True story: one time, he was busy doing so, not knowing that there were cctvs in the conference room. He found out about it when a security guard walked in and told him to stop doing so coz the room was being monitored :P

3. The Professional Journey - I remember him dedicating a good part of his time and life to his job. I don't know if the owners of the company he worked for knew how many times we PLEADED for him to take it easy, and towards the end, get medical attention here in our hometown, where we could watch over him. He declined, saying he didn't want to miss work. I learned, through Verge's life story,  that there IS more to life than having a career.

Best thing about work is hanging out with my boys after :D

Sure, money pays the bills, but money isn't the end all and be all of who we are. I've learned to schedule my career and household chores. My 4 hour work week (on average) as an industry standard consultant allows me to earn what is needed with extras for the fun stuff. My time is flexible and everyone was made aware that I will not take a contract that would take me away from my family for long periods of time.

Learning to think past my ego has also taught me to ask for help when I can't be a Suzy Homemaker, be it getting take out every now and then, bringing our clothes to the laundry or hiring cleaning ladies at home. Quality time for myself and my family is EVERYTHING. I WILL NOT BE MADE GUILTY for taking shortcuts in this aspect of my life.

4. The Sister Journey - my brother may not be here anymore, but this is a train ride with no stops. It gets frustrating at times as I cannot seem to let go of every single memory of being his sister, and how my life had been defined by having him in it. He was (and at times, I believe) IS always there for me when and where it truly matters.

Families...

...are forever

With his passing and because I was  AM his sister, I gained a new family of folks whose life's journey was made richer for having known him. It brought to mind a quote from one of his favorite authors, Mitch Albom: " Strangers are just family you have yet to meet".  In this tragedy, through the commonality of pain/celebrating Verge's short but ever so wonderful life, I was made a sister, a hundred times over.

One last selfie, right baby brother? :)

lastly, My Personal Journey -  In the 365 days since my brother passed away, I learned that I cannot totally please everyone including myself. I began to understand how the truth can truly set you free and the truth DOES NOT always hurt - but LIES always will. I realized that having a full heart outmatches a full wallet when I go to bed at night, and that while there is NO shelf life on grieving, it is IMPERATIVE to continue living my life - for the BOTH OF US and those who rely on me.

Lastly, I finally BELIEVED that LIFE IS NOT FOREVER, BUT LOVE IS.

should you visit his grave, you'll find this as it's marker

From The Mediocre Wanderer, may all your wanderings be better than ours.

An Esoteric Adventure with The Verge

 

For this entry of The Mediocre Wanderer, I present to you a journey that is BEYOND compare. A journey that requires no visas, no passports, just a whole lot of love, positive thoughts and living a good life. I won't be your handy dandy tour guide, because this time, I'll be taking a backseat as my baby brother Verge will be the one welcoming you to that place beyond the sun when your flight becomes available.

Your Guide, Verge:
Born on May 9, 1984 at 12:01 am in Baguio City, to Mila and Lu, Vergel Lucino Palma Santos was a healthy, 7 pounded, grayish- blue eyed boy. He was the latest pride and joy of the family. I would've hated him for stealing my thunder as an only child for 6 years, had he not been the cutest, most huggable person in the universe. And that smile! Man, he knew how to woo the ladies  without trying even back then! He was so cute that even a male cousin of ours called him a "heavenly body". The idea seemed to make sense for Ma  that she nicknamed him "Heaven". To this day, all his Baguio friends know him as that.

Fast forward to the school years: Verge displayed an incredible amount of smarts that he skipped two grade levels  and was consistently an honor student. He was, up until his social life caught on, a University Scholar at UP Diliman. He managed to finish his post grad studies for Computer Science (UP), and Law school at UP Law. While other parents forced and begged their kids to finish their studies, we begged him to take it easy with his.

I remember walking into this old general merchandise store with him and Papa. An old Indian man, the owner, went up to dad and told him, "this boy is very smart, based on the shape of his head and face. Answer all his questions when he asks as his curiosity would only make him smarter". As the previous "smart child", I thought it was all hogwash. Guess I was wrong. Did I also mention that he was MENSA? :P

The "Professional" Verge was someone we rarely got to see. He worked hard and played hard and got what he wanted out of life. He stuck to his guns. His idealistic views on working as a programmer and doing the actual work and not just delegating was something he felt strongly about even during his OJT days in college. He had gotten a slot at P&G, but rather that (his words) he be "a glorified coffee boy" he wanted to push pens and get the keyboard cracking at a small software company that gave him the opportunity to learn. What can I say? He may have been stubborn but hey, the boy had his principles.

Ma wanted to keep him close to home, and had tried to put him in a local semicon company (which I eventually ended up in). But being Verge, he stuck to his guns and worked where he wanted to work. This made me even prouder of him (as if that was even possible).

I respected my brother and never pried into his affairs. They were his, not mine. But when it came to someone making him a hot beverage and have a shoulder to cry on, he knew I was there for him, as I knew that he too had my back.

with nephew MAX (Magnus Akira Xavier)

He never got married, saying I had so much kids (4)  and that someone had to be there as back up (he was a good baby sitter to all my kids, making sure they ate and would even wash them up after going potty). He said this sarcastically. But with him, sarcasm meant he loved you. The worst it got, the more he cared about you.

I remember a time when me, my mom, cousins and him went to eat at Tong Yan. After my 2nd serving, he looked at me, smirked/smiled and said "Aya! Eat to live NOT live to eat!!". That was him. The Verge I loved the most. Honest to a fault, extremely loyal and cared more than he let on.

The last time I saw him was after we had gotten back from Cebu, on our last whale shark interaction. We had this thing where we would always see each other before or after one of our trips. It was this particular time (February 23, 2013) that I noticed how sick he seemed. Thinner than usual, disoriented and just, for lack of a better word, tired looking. He wasn't my handsome, witty and full of life Ven . Something was off. So off that it recently occurred to me that we, as with our norm, did not take pictures of our time together.

He had just gotten blood work done that day because he wasn't feeling well for the past 3 weeks. I asked if he wanted to be brought to the hospital. He said he didn't. Still hate myself for not pushing him out the door and straight to the ER. Instead, I did what older sisters did best.  I coddled him.

I took him out to dinner, sliced his steak for him, got up to get him some water, picked up some fever medication for him at the drugstore as he held on to my arm because he had a hard time walking. His breath would come short if we moved faster than a snail. I worried about him, so worried that I asked him to stay the night with us. I kept on checking up on him, like my presence would ward off some unseen enemy.

The next day, we had to go back to Baguio. He had sweated through his shirt the night before and wanted a clean one. I lent him my fuchsia pink whale shark shirt, and teased him to not cry over that shirt until we see each other again. Sort of what he did when he had chicken pox as a kid and I didn't want to get it, that I went to our father's family house in Malabon rather than stay with him at our maternal uncle's resort in Pansol, Laguna. For two weeks, he would cry himself to sleep (muttering "Aya...Aya") while holding on to a Betty Boop shirt that I had left behind .

"..fields of butterfly" - Shimmer by Fuel, one of his fave 90s alternative tune

I brought him over to the taxi stand and put him in that cab, taking note of the plate number and cab company. I hugged him before he got in. Kissed him on the cheek and told him to get himself checked and that I loved him. He said he would, told me he loved me and closed the door. This would be the last time I would see him alive, hold him in my arms and tell to his face how I felt. Two weeks later (March 7), he passed away in the Makati Med from pneumonia compounded by his severe anemia. He was only 28.

It seems so anti-climactic, and somewhat off topic, but when we were kids, there was this time that we were doing arts and craft in my room. I don't really know if it was accidental or "accidental" on my part when Verge's finger got pinched by the puncher. He was about to cry from the pain that I had to think quick as I was so scared of getting in trouble with mom. I told him to stop crying because there was a giant hairy spider named Hodgekin that ate little kids who cry. He was so freaked out and said that he couldn't help crying. I told him that even if he felt like crying, he should put a big smile on his face and say the magic words to repel Hodgekin: "Cheese Baby Plas". This was his mantra whenever he felt like tearing up when he was much younger.

Christmases were always hard for us...

...but we managed to get through it together

I did apologize for it last Christmas. He told me he developed a fear of spiders because of that :P I never did say I was perfect, but I was sorry :P

"CHEESE BABY PLAS"...now I know how he felt back then. To try to put a smile on your face while the tears are streaming down. To tell people that you're ok, even when you're not. To lie to yourself and say that it will get better in time, when deep down inside, your heart is broken into a million shards that you don't even know how to pick up the pieces or where to begin... (cheese baby plas!) I miss my brother.

The Place Beyond The Sun:
As mentioned at the start, the only requirement in joining this esoteric adventure and be where my brother is at is living life to the fullest, no matter what the duration is. Love and laugh like you've never loved and laughed before. If you hurt others, apologize and take actions to repair damages. Lastly, march to the beat of your own drum. You are MORE than enough. And if others can't accept who you are, then they're not worth your time. At least you tried. These are his lasting legacies to all those who have loved and made him a part of their lives. And trust me when I say that there are a lot of us.

The amenities and perks of the place are: no worries, no sadness, no sickness and no death. No nagging females, losing quiz night teams, and an endless supply of booze and sublime, honest to goodness peace. Life becomes endless as you wait for your loved ones to check in, in God's time.

see you when I see you Ven. Aya loves you forever and a week after that!

If and when you get there before I do, please give my brother a hug. You don't have to tell him that I love him because he has always known that.

From TMW, may all your wanderings be better than ours!